Myself From Myself

disappointment is raw sky
before it paints its face innocent blue,
where the blackness sears your eyes,
a fire that you cannot see or put out,
where you grasp the stars so you will not fall,
how many points do they have?
why do they gash and cut my palm, leaking blood
that will not leave the body?
disappointment is seeing the moon
strung from hooks with steel cables,
a falsehood made of recycled dreams,
how many hopes were pinned on a piece
of dented aluminium glitter?
in the back streets of the city where
the asphalt and trees have a washed out
mediocrity, the crows look tired and ashen
and the cats are mangy, as if they would rather
starve than eat the tasteless gutter rats,
from there to the top of the mountain
is a million steps, the only way to rise
is to cut strips of yourself, unburden
yourself of yourself as you go, and yet
tonight, reaching the top, flat and empty, my head
half buried in the undressed sky,
seeing reality lie after lie,
was it all for nothing? but wait,
you can prise out sunbeams buried in the dirt
and slide down to where you began,
but there is a question, a ticket clerk
at a half window, bespectacled, asking you
who you are, apparently there is a right answer
to exit purgatory and go back to the beginning,
to the foot of the mountain that
you cannot climb without ridding yourself
of yourself. I told him I was everything I wasn’t,
I wasn’t anything I was, and found myself back where I 
started, the mountain of doubt ahead of me,
with nothing to give up that was or wasn’t,
unable to separate myself from myself,
to journey to hell again.

 

34 thoughts on “Myself From Myself

  1. Moments of self doubt and sadness feel inevitable, powerless even as we try to gain some semblance of control. Especially until we can make sense of what it is we are supposed to learn about ourselves from those moments. And sometimes they never make any sense at all. This was powerfully and beautifully written! 💜

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  2. The journey of self discovery is never ending, and sometimes you end back where you first started ~ Powerful verses specially:

    where the blackness sears your eyes,
    a fire that you cannot see or put out,
    where you grasp the stars so you will not fall

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  3. Yes, it is good to let a poem spill out from some dark cortical corner–powerful poetics, hooks in every line; makes me think of existential introspection. Dark poems stay with me longer than the rhyming sunlit stanzas sometimes encountered.

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  4. Those are killer opening lines, Rajani! I also think these lines are very effective:
    ‘…the crows look tired and ashen
    and the cats are mangy, as if they would rather
    starve than eat the tasteless gutter rats’.,

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        1. Maybe unless they only travel downwards 🙂 I think sometimes things seem dark, even sunbeams.. briefly! This poem came from a dark moment I suppose, but wrote itself rather quickly!!

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          1. I think there cannot be darkness without some light to hold up a backdrop…and vice-versa. Sunbeams always travel both ways. It is a wonderful piece of writing. Sometimes they come that way.

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    1. Thanks Sumana…a bit of a dark poem maybe.. but it wrote itself in 15 minutes and I couldn’t bring myself to do much editing! Sometimes that’s all you have to say and not one word can be changed!

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